Centerstage - Chicago's Original City Guide

Dear Consultant,

~Her Hips Do Lie?

You know, when I first read this I thought it was fake, but then I remembered my bi-weekly orgasm at Joann Fabrics. So I empathize. Your girlfriend's inspiration could be the vegan restaurant; in my experience, these places often project a peaceful, spiritual (read: "cultish") vibe. If you don't believe me, visit Alice & Friends, Victory's Banner, Veggie Bite, etc., where the station is always tuned to "Supreme Master Television," and where whispered voices speak of the apocalypse through loudspeakers and pictures of men in diapers. Considering the Seitan-ic atmosphere (zing!), your girlfriend may just be preserving the natural order of things.

Let's get one thing out of the way now, shall we, because I really care about you. You are jealous. But who wouldn't be? If I could orgasm from putting on a fringed sari and wocka wocka-ing next to plates of textured vegetable protein, do you think I'd be answering your question at all? The real problem then is you are jealous that she is getting off in front of strangers, when such a sacred act usually does not occur in the presence of others, unless something really good is on TV. The easy solution is to not go watch her perform, aka the "don't ask, don't dwell" option. Or you can be happy for her and marvel at her amazing hip flexors. After all, she IS going home with you. Thirdly, you can take up a hobby that allows you to ejaculate in public. Lacrosse perhaps?